VICTORIA–The agonizing cries and complaints of millions of men around the globe may finally be validated based on new scientific research suggesting that the average “Man Cold” is far more debilitating than the “common cold” which typically affects the female population earlier in the cold and flu season. The findings, to be published next month in the Canadian Men’s Journal of Scientific Breakthroughs, were announced by an international team of leading immunology experts today at the University of Victoria.
Researchers compared two test groups of 100 women and 100 men over the course of 5 cold and flu seasons. Each of the groups was comprised of ordinarily healthy adults between the ages of 19 and 45. In every year of the 5 year study, the cold and flu season had a significantly shorter lifespan in the women’s test group (late October to late February) and only affected an average of 60-70% of the women each year. In comparison, the cold and flu season lasted significantly longer in the men’s group (late October to late August) and affected a whopping 98% of the male test group in every single year of the study.
In the women’s group, those who were affected by cold or flu each year reported that although they may have “felt like hell” or “just wanted to go back to bed,” they were, on average, back to work or going about their daily business within a matter of 1 to 3 days. By comparison, the number of missed work days reported by the cold or flu sufferers in the men’s test group ranged from a low of 7 to an average of 13 days. When asked to describe how they were feeling physically , the overwhelming majority of cold and flu sufferers amongst the men claimed that they “just wanted to die,” or begged researchers to “kill me now, please, kill me now!” Many of the men interviewed exhibited signs of anger, resentment and shock when researchers asked them to elaborate on any specific symptom. In fact, researchers found that asking subjects in the male test group to provide any physical evidence of cold or flu symptoms (such as a high temperature) caused a significant portion of the men to to curl into the fetal position on the floor while their eyes rolled back in their heads or to begin coughing until they could no longer be interviewed. In the last year of the study, when asked to describe the pain they were experiencing, 7% of the men began speaking in tongues, calling for their mothers and shrieking about being “scared of the light.”
The longer length of the cold’s life-cycle and the significant increase in accompanying pain reported by the men suggests that the typical “Man-Cold” is probably a mutated form of the virus responsible for the better known “common cold,” said Dr. Havisham KoffDroptz., who lead the study.
“The common cold virus is in its most feeble state when it attacks the female population early in the cold and flu season,” explained KoffDroptz. “The women we studied were exposed several times before they began to feel any symptoms, which demonstrates that the virus was obviously still weak and its effects were unlikely to be much of a big deal–even for a woman. The cold sufferers in our men’s group, by comparison, reported a much shorter period of exposure before feeling the onslaught of horrible and terrifying cold symptoms. In a number of cases, simply overhearing a woman describe her cold resulted in the rapid development of similar but much, much more agonizing symptoms among the men.”
“Clearly something in its contact with human females causes the virus to mutate and evolve into the much stronger, significantly more painful air-borne “Super-Virus” that the average man has not yet built a resistance to,” continued Dr. KoffDroptz.
When asked to explain how pain and discomfort in each group were measured for the purpose of the study, Dr. KoffDroptz acknowledged that the researchers had not yet determined a consistent way to precisely gauge each subject’s level of pain or cold-related discomfort but stated that based on 5 years of interviews, anecdotal evidence, and his own observations after studying both test groups, he felt that the pain endured by a typical “Man-Cold” sufferer was “at least 5 or 6 times worse than giving birth, but probably more on par with being hit by a moving train twice and then struck by lighting right afterwards.”
Dr. KoffDroptz noted that a number of new cold medicines had been offered to the participants in the study and two of them were proving to be extremely effective in beating the common cold, based on preliminary results. When asked by media how long it would be until the early results of the drug tests on the men’s group were released, Dr. KoffDroptz admitted it could be quite a wait, since very few of the men in the test group were willing to try any new drug if it didn’t look or taste like “what my mom used to give me.”
Dr. Madeline Getinline, the lone female on KoffDroptz’s research team, was conspicuously absent during this week’s press conference. When asked about allegations that she had left the “Man-Cold” project in protest, fellow researcher Dr. Miles Bent was emphatic that Getinline’s absence was nothing to be concerned about and later expressed his deep remorse that “Dr. Getinline was unable join the rest of her colleagues here today because she is suffering from Lady Problems.”